Your Monster
by onceuponahungergames
Summary: Canon until the end of season 2-the battle on Mount Weather is won but Clarke is badly hurt and taken to Polis so she can recover- She rushes through the doors, expression lighting up when she sees you. "Clarke," she says breathlessly. You can't meet her eyes. You're worried your anger and rage will make you hurt yourself, or worse, hurt her. But you want to hurt her.
1. Chapter 1

You hear beeping sounds in your right ear. There's numbness in your right arm and left leg. It hurts to breathe. You open your eyes and are blinded by the light in the room you're in. You blink a few times and you start to adjust. This room is unfamiliar to you. You scope out your surroundings. You're lying in a bed, you're hooked up to an IV machine, there's a table at the end of your bed with various odds and ends on it, and you're strapped down to the bed. _What the fuck_ , you think. You can't remember anything that's happened in the last few days, except one thing.

She left you. Without remorse. She took her army and goddamn left. You can feel your hate flood through your veins and it feels _good_. At least you can feel something. Then, you hear someone running toward your room. The footfalls grow louder and louder as they draw near. You think that someone has come to finish the job. _Let them kill me_ , you think. _Let me be free_.

She rushes through the doors, expression lighting up when she sees you. "Clarke," she said breathlessly. You can't meet her eyes. You're worried your anger and rage will make you hurt yourself, or worse, hurt her. But you want to hurt her. You want to tear her to pieces. You want to make her hurt as much as she hurt you. There's only one thing holding you back: your heart. Well, your heart and the leather straps holding you down.

However, you tug at them with all the strength you have left in you. You bring your gaze upon her, disgusted in how comforted she is to see you alive. "Get out," you growl as menacingly as you can. Luckily, your tone of voice strikes a nerve in her, she stops dead in her tracks and her expression faltering from relieved into dejected.

She stays frozen in place until she looks away from your eyes piercing into her skull. Then, she walks to the table in front of you, looking at the various objects on it. The battle she left you at. The battle she left you and your people to _die_ in.

You can't get a good look at her face, but you see shimmering tracks rolling down her tanned cheeks. She picks up a smashed bullet that either came out of your arm, foot, knee, or chest. You really can't remember how you got shot all those times, still managed to take Mount Weather, and save your people in the process.

"They pumped you with all of this led and you're still kicking," her voice cracks. She jokes and her voice cracks like nothing you've ever heard from the Commander of the Grounders. You're ripped from your thoughts when another person comes running through the door. "How's our little hero doing?" Octavia asks, in a sing-song tone.

Her eyes are cheery and full of hope, that is, until she sees Lexa. She stops and looks between you and her. You know she's trying to decide whether to actually kick out her own leader or leave you alone with her. "Octavia, come in. I was just leaving," Lexa mumbles. She places the bullet back where it was, turns on her heel and walks toward the door.

Opening the door, she glances back at you, and you can see the conflict in her eyes. She, by all means, does not want to leave you, but she knows she has to. She knows you have to heal on your own time. Then, she walks out of the door. She's gone. Again.

"Hey," says a voice in the middle of the room, and it makes you jump. You forget that Octavia is still in the room. "Hey, calm down there, jumpy. Just wanna give you some company." She sits down on the chair next to your bed. You can't say anything. You want to talk to Octavia, because she's your friend and she fought for and with you. But right now, you have nothing to say to her. Except-

"Thank you." Your voice sounds so foreign, so cracked, so broken. Octavia's lip twitches into a smile and she puts her hand on yours. "I'd do anything for you, Wanheda." What the hell did she just call you? Apparently, that question is painted on your face because she openly laughs. "It means Commander of Death, Clarke. That's what everyone's calling you."

She shakes her head and sighs. "You're a legend in the Grounders' eyes. But our people…to me…you're a hero. Clarke, you're a goddamn hero." You try to say something but Octavia continues. "You saved my life. You probably don't remember because of the blow to the head you got." Now that she mentions it, you do feel a throbbing pain on the top of your head, probably caused by the butt of a gun.

"But Clarke," she continues, "you need to forgive her." You immediately feel your anger spark again. "Hey, calm down," she says. "You have to hear me out, Clarke, or else you'll never have peace." That catches your attention. _You'll never have peace_. You laugh to yourself. _I'll never have peace, regardless_.

"-not worth it," you hear her say. You missed the first part of her speech because of your musings inside your head. You look at her and she is absolutely serious, but her eyes swim with grief. "I know I said I would never forgive you for what happened at Ton DC. I still haven't. But you still don't deserve any of this shit. You're too good to be burdened with this, Clarke."

A tear escapes her eye and she hastily wipes it away. "You mean a hell of a lot to me. I don't want to see you get hurt anymore, do you understand?" The way she says this makes you want to believe, makes you want to trust her. But right now, you can't trust anyone. Not even her.

"Octavia," you croak. She snaps her head up to look at you with hopeful eyes. "I'll kill her." Her face falls. "I'll kill her before that happens."

* * *

hi fam! so this was a little thing that popped into my head and i had to write about it. (also wrote this at one in the am so i apologize for any mistakes) i'll probably keep this going for a few chapters but i'm not sure how long it'll be. thanks for reading/commenting/favoriting/following/loving. you guys are so great! much love to ya! have a wonderful week! 3

\- juju :)


	2. Chapter 2

In the following days, you start to regain some of your strength. Once you tried to stand up, but fell flat on your face because your foot apparently wasn't ready to be used yet. Your mom stays with you at least five hours everyday just to make sure you're not doing anything stupid, like trying to get out of bed again.

You get so many visitors, people from the Ark and Grounders alike. Some of them are people you've never even met, but they thank you for freeing their son or daughter, mother or father from the clutches of the Mountain. You always say that they should be thanking Bellamy or Octavia or Monty or someone other than you because, _God_ , you are not a hero. That bitch made sure of that.

You also are told of what the city of Polis has to offer. Octavia always comes in to tell you what happened to her every day. Bellamy comes in every other day to make sure you're not going stir crazy in this room. He also mentions how much stuff he found in the underground of the city. One day, he brings you a piece of technology from before the bombs went off. "It's called a Game Boy," he starts. "Apparently, they were really popular like 150 years ago with kids." He hands you the brick-like object and you inspect it.

"What the hell did they do with this?" you ask, looking at the blank screen on the front. Bellamy pulls out a smaller rectangular object and puts it into a slot on the top of the object. He switched a button on the side and the screen lit up and read "GAMEBOY ADVANCE Nintendo". Your eyes light up and are entranced by this small device in your hands. "They would put these small cartridges in the top and it would be a different game every time," he explained.

Thankfully, Polis had a stock of good batteries so you could play for hours. Bellamy brought you a new game every week and you looked forward to his visits more than anything else. He took your mind away from the constant terror you experienced every day in your head.

You have horrible visions of the people of Mount Weather burning from being exposed to radiation. You feel your own skin burn sometimes when someone brings up her "saving them". You wake up every night in a cold sweat from the nightmares. The terrible, terrible nightmares. You try not to think of them during the day, but they invade every space they can find in your head. Pain is all you can think about, but you feel nothing.

When Raven visits, she walks with more of a limp than before. You want to ask her how she's doing, but you think that if you do, she won't hesitate to put back the bullets your mom pulled from your body. You're happy to see her. She gives you shit about "still being laid up just because you got shot a few times". That makes you laugh a little and Raven gives you a genuine smile.

"I mean if I was you," she continues, "I'd be wrestling to get out of this stuffy room." You shrug your shoulders, but wince in pain, forgetting about the gunshot you suffered there. "Well, I don't wanna be strapped down again," you say.

Raven's face falters a little. "I didn't know…" she stops and looks at the unbuckled restraints hanging off the side of your bed. Her face grows serious. "You were putting on quite a scene when they were trying to save your skin."

You raise an eyebrow, and she continues. "When we found you in the Mountain, you were covered in blood." She swallows and looks to the floor. "I thought you were gone, Clarke. You weren't breathing or anything and I…" she clears her throat, "Luckily, your mom kept her head screwed on and shocked you back to life with one of those things the Ark guards had.

"You were sputtering blood out of your mouth and we knew you were in deep shit. We bound your wounds tightly and had to figure out what to do next. We were too far away from the Ark, so Lincoln pitched that we should head toward Polis." "Lincoln was with you?" you interrupt. She nods. "He came in just as we found you.

"Anyway, we deliberated that point for way too long so you decided to give your two-cents. You said-God, Clarke-you said, 'Take me to Rolie Polie,' and I almost started cracking up. But, then I remembered that you were pretty much dying so I did my best to try not to ruin the moment.

"Kane went back to the Ark to get more help as soon as we decided we were heading to Polis. The walk there didn't take as long as I thought it would to get there, but it was agonizing. You were saying things that no one understood. You were crying, but no tears left your eyes. You kept saying, um, someone's name. It was horrible to see you in that state.

"We brought you into the city and the first person we met was actually a healer so Lincoln asked her to help. She took one look at you and screamed. She said something about getting her to the tower, so we ran as fast as we could."

She takes a deep breath and lets it out shakily. "With some extreme begging, we got you into the tower, one of the guards there brought up some medical supplies, and your mom started operating. Several healers approached and tried to help, but there wasn't anything they could do. It was a waiting game for Kane to get to us with the supplies your mom needed.

"It looked pretty bleak, Clarke. I thought it was over. But, someone decided to help." Raven's eyes seem angry, but her voice doesn't show the emotion. "They brought us to a room below the city. It looked like a modern hospital-type room. There was some good equipment your mom could use to keep you alive for a little while longer, but you refused. You said," she stops to look at you, and you see how much fury is actually behind those eyes.

"You said, 'I'd rather die than get help from a lying, abandoning, filthy Grounder.'" You are stunned by your own words. "Somehow," she continues, "you pull through and Kane got here just in time with everything." She sighs and shakes her head. "Dammit, Clarke, you could've died," her voice breaks. "But I'd rather die than get help from that commanding fucker, too."

Your head snaps up. You see that Raven realizes what she said, and her eyes are wide. "What happened next, Raven?" you rumble. She swallows and resumes. "After you got some blood pumped into your system, I guess you thought you were invincible. You jumped out of bed and went at her with everything you had in you. It took three people to hold you back." She looks away and fiddles with the bottom of her shirt with her fingers.

"I guess that's why they had to strap me down," you mumble. Raven makes no movement to say anything else, so you decide to ask her the burning question. "Who was it, Raven?" Her eyes lock on yours. "Who did I not want to help me survive?"

She hangs her head, but her eyes are still on yours. "Heda," she utters.

You really wish you were strapped down to the bed now.

* * *

hey fam! so thanks for reading/commenting/favoriting/following again. hope you liked how clarke got to polis! i didn't really know what i was doing so that was fun. okay be cool.

\- juju :)


	3. Chapter 3

You have to be sedated for the third time that day. The first time, you experience your first panic attack and you accidentally rip open the wound in your chest, blood dripping down your torso. You mom has to put you under so she can fix what you've ruined.

The second time you got way too involved in the game you were playing on the Game Boy. You were about to catch a legendary Pokémon and didn't have a master ball and you were so pissed off. It just so happens that when you were dropping curses left and right that one of the nurses from the Ark walks into your room. She immediately thinks that you're going to start throwing things again, so she shoots you up with morphine.

The third time was not your fault at all. Or that's what you tell yourself. It's not your fault when someone happens to tell you that Lexa wants to see you. It's not your fault when you say no. It's not your fault when you say no by attempting to strangle the messenger. It's not your fault when you almost kill him. It's not your fault when you fight the people trying to pry you off of the boy. But, it is your fault when they strap you down to the bed again, pump the sedative through your veins, and you silently whisper her name. You don't know what force compelled you to do it, but it happened. And when you wake up, you instantly regret it. Because she's sitting at the foot of your bed with her head in a book.

"I said I didn't want to see you," you mumble. You don't have enough strength to fight her today, even though that's been the only thought in your head for weeks. "The healers said that you were saying my name before you fell asleep, so they made an assumption," she answers, turning a page and not looking at you. "Didn't the half dead servant you sent give you another idea?" you retort. She looks up at you under hooded eyes. "It was against my better judgment. Besides, you've silenced my servant for a few days, so I couldn't exactly ask him if you would let me visit you."

The tension is so thick that you can cut it with a knife. You hold her gaze for as long as possible, hopefully burning the image of hate, anger, and fire into her green eyes. "You can look at me all you want, Clarke, but I'm not leaving until you say something other than trying to fight me," she says.

You grunt and lift your hand to get the hair out of your face but- oh look at that – you're still strapped down. Apparently, you're still not trusted with the Commander in your presence. Lexa notices you struggling. She closes her book and puts it on the table beside her. As she gets up and walks toward you, you don't know what to do.

You really can't do anything except let her closer and it drives you insane. She sits on the edge of the bed and brings her hand up to your face. You want to flinch, your brain is screaming at you to get away from her as fast as possible, but in that moment you're frozen.

She brushes her fingers against your forehead and tucking your hair behind your ear. "I know you hate me. I know that you may never forgive me for what I've done to you and your people. But please, Clarke," she moves to rest her palm on your cheek. However, she hesitates and pulls back. She knows you're not ready. "Please don't hurt yourself." She's so vulnerable in this moment. You should take advantage of it. You should say something snarky that will hurt her even more or something.

Still, you can't. You can't. You're weak against her. Your lips part as your gaze travels to down her face to her chest rising and falling with each breath. "I won't," you whisper. "Promise me," she says, putting her hand under your chin and lifting your head so you look her in the eyes. She is completely exposed to you, all defenses down.

Her fingertips sear your skin, yet you lean into her touch. "I promise." Her lips grow into a smile and she leans closer to you. You think she's going to kiss you, but she just leans her forehead against yours. Then, a horrible, yet brilliant idea forms in your head.

You lean back from her just so you can see her face. Her reaction goes from relaxed to confused quickly. Just what you wanted. You lean in to whisper in her ear. "I promise," you breathe against her ear and you feel her shudder. "I promise to never put my people in danger again." You stop, for dramatic effect of course. "And that your secret won't be safe for long."

She pulls back from you, bewildered. "My secret?"

"Yes, Lexa." Your smile grows. "Your _weakness_."

Her expression falls. You've never seen her like this before. She's terrified. "Clarke-"

"And I bet the Ice Queen would love to hear it."

* * *

hi guys and gals and everyone in between! thanks again for all the love :D hope you have the best week!

\- juju :)


	4. Chapter 4

It's been a few weeks since you finally have been let out from that prison of a room. Finally, you're able to stretch you legs and explore the Grounder capitol. Your mom only lets you out in the city for a half an hour everyday; she's still nervous that your wounds could reopen or you could hurt yourself in some other interesting way.

On one of your journeys around the city, a child approaches you. She must only be around five or six years old. "Hi," you greet her. She is beaming as she tells you something you can't understand. "Oh, I, uh, I don't-"

"She said thank you for saving her brother," a voice behind you informs. You have the urge to roll your eyes but instead say, "Aren't you the know-it-all, Octavia." She walks up beside you and starts to converse with the child in the Grounder language. You stand there, feeling like an incredibly big third wheel, but the girl giggles and runs away from them.

"Have you been following me this whole time?" you decide to break the ice. "It's my orders," she answers. You inhale a breath to keep the anger building in you to subside somewhat. "Who's orders?" You know the answer. Of course you know the answer.

"I'm just gonna say your mom. I don't have a death wish today," Octavia responds. You shake your head and you hear her laugh. "Come on, Clarke, lighten up a little. You're in the greatest city in the world. Enjoy the day."

You shrug your shoulders. "That's as good as a 'yes'," she sighs. The two of you continue down the street as you ask, "What were you and that little girl talking about?" She chuckles. "You, of course."

"Wow, talking about me right in front of my face. That isn't very nice," you scoff. "Whenever have I been concerned what's nice to do," she retorts. You smile at her and she raises her eyebrow.

"Since you're making jokes, I'm assuming you're feeling well today."

"Eh," you offer. "I don't feel horrible, if that's anything."

"You're walking, so that's feeling well in my book."

The rest of your walk is spent in a comfortable silence. The people of Polis watch you and Octavia with reverence. They have smiles on their faces, excitedly talking with whomever they happen to be standing next to. "They think I'm a hero," distain taints your words. "You are, Clarke," Octavia sighs. "You don't see yourself like that, but these people do."

"No matter how many times you say that to me, I won't believe it," you growl.

Octavia huffs in annoyance, but drops the subject. You finally return to the Polis tower. To your surprise, you see many horses and riders right outside of the entrance. "What is this?" you mumble.

"I don't know," Octavia answers. "I'll go see if I can get some info. Stay here."

She leaves your side and approaches one of the men near the tower. They start to talk and you see Octavia's face fall. _This can't be good_.

She half walks, half runs back to you. "It's the Ice Nation." Her words stop all of your thinking. "They're here to see what the Commander's intentions with Mount Weather are now."

"Is the Queen here?" You try to seem nonchalant about your question so that Octavia doesn't sense anything wrong. However, she looks skeptical, but nods her head. "From what that guy said, she's especially looking forward to meeting you."

 _Oh, so am I_.

Then, you see her. Mounted on a white horse with blue war paint under its eyes, she speaks with one of her warriors. Her commanding presence radiates as hot as a fire on your skin. It feels disgusting. Hatred erupts from your heart, and you don't know why. Well, you do, but you try to fool yourself as much as you can.

She turns her head and locks eyes with yours. Your blood runs cold, not because of fear, but because of the stare she gives you. It's a knowing stare. She knows. She knows exactly what you want. Then, she smiles. She smiles one of the most sinister smiles you've ever seen on a person.

"Clarke," Octavia nudges your shoulder. You blink a few times and look at her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," you grumble. "Nothing."

* * *

the tragedy of 3x07 sparked my writing ideas. sorry its been a while fam. love this fandom.

also i thought that this whole ice queen plot was gonna go longer but whatever...hope you enjoyed! thanks for all the love

-juju :)

#LexaDeservedBetter


End file.
